The Art of Not Falling Apart: Confessions of a Chronically Optimised Human

What are some life hacks that you practice?

The Art of Not Falling Apart: Confessions of a Chronically Optimised Human

I have never been one for those austere, joyless productivity gurus who tell you to wake up at 4 a.m., drink celery water, and journal your way to enlightenment. Life, in my experience, is far too gloriously chaotic for that. So over the years, I have developed a personal arsenal of life hacks — not to become a billionaire or a monk, but simply to avoid losing my keys, my temper, and my spectacles (which are usually perched on my own head).

Here are the ones I actually practise, with almost embarrassing regularity.

1. The Sacred ‘Oh, For Heaven’s Sake’ Basket

Every home has a Bermuda Triangle. Mine used to be the entire house. Now, everything that has no fixed abode — remote controls, rogue chargers, inexplicable Allen keys from flat-pack furniture, and those loyalty cards you swear you will use — goes into one rather handsome wicker basket by the door. I call it the Basket of Existential Dread.

It does not organise anything. It merely organises the chaos into one location. When guests arrive, I look tidy. When I need something, I know exactly which pit of despair to rummage through. It is minimalism for the morally flexible.

2. The Two-Minute Tyranny Rule

The internet says: “If it takes less than two minutes, do it now.” I say: “If it takes less than two minutes, do it now, or it will take on a life of its own and begin to judge you.”

Replying to that message, rinsing that mug, hanging up that shirt — if I don’t do it immediately, my brain will file it under ‘Urgent and Deeply Personal’ and remind me at 2:17 a.m. with full orchestral accompaniment. Swift action is not about efficiency; it is about preventing future me from staging a full-blown internal tribunal.

3. I Name My Chargers Like Royal Heirs

I have stopped pretending I am a person who remembers which cable does what. So now, they have names and personalities. Sir Charges-A-Lot is the long, reliable one for the laptop. The Diva is the temperamental fast-charger that only works at a certain angle, under certain moon phases. The Usurper is a cheap knock-off that gets dangerously hot and is treated with appropriate suspicion.

Labelling them with tiny bits of washi tape has saved me from that primal scream of plugging in a dead phone overnight only to discover I used the cable that charges at the speed of continental drift.

4. The Strategic Lie to Myself

My calendar is a work of creative fiction. If I need to be somewhere at 6 p.m., I tell myself it starts at 5:40 p.m. I know I am lying. My brain knows I am lying. Yet, astonishingly, it still falls for it. Every single time.

It is the only healthy relationship I have where gaslighting is not only acceptable but actively encouraged. I arrive on time, slightly smug, and everyone thinks I have finally become a punctual adult. I have not. I have just become a more cunning procrastinator.

5. The Photo Inventory of Genius

Before I dismantle anything — a plug socket, the inside of a cupboard, the alarming tangle of wires behind the television — I take a photograph. A dozen, actually, from angles that would make a crime scene photographer proud.

My memory is a magnificent palace, but the storage room for ‘where that tiny screw went’ has been permanently closed for renovation. The photo saves me from that classic finale where you have three leftover parts and a profound sense of unease.

6. The ‘Do Not Engage Before Tea’ Protocol

I have learned, through many regrettable emails, that I am not to be trusted with decisions, opinions, or heavy machinery before my first cup of tea.

So, all important notifications are on silent until 8 a.m. The world can wait. The world, in fact, should wait. Nothing good has ever come from replying to a passive-aggressive message whilst still half-composed of dreams and bedsheets.

In short, my life hacks are not about hacking life at all. They are about making peace with it. They are small, slightly ridiculous treaties I have signed with my own forgetfulness, laziness, and flair for drama.

They will not change the world. But they do mean I can always find my spectacles.

And that, dear reader, feels like victory enough.